Where and when did it start

Okay so here we are on day 1 of this diary…

Dear Diary….today the cute boy looked at me and made me blush.

 

NO!!!!  That is not what this is all about.  Hopefully I haven’t lost any of you few who may possibly read this so please take the time to laugh because laughing can only help.

 

Now here is where I’m beginning from.  This morning I got up on the scale and unfortunately my weight was 209.1 pounds and since I’m 5’3″ tall, I’m a little blob.  My legs are wide, my arms are flabby and my middle….well let’s just say that if I ever got liposuction, I would fill several containers with my fat cells.  But enough about trying to be funny.

One thing that I’ve gotten to realize about when I’m trying to lose weight is that I must have a plan, now of course most of the time I fail on these plans but for me it helps if I have a plan.  My plan besides loosing weight is to try and firm up a few spots that used to look good such as my arms.  Now as for my thighs…well those will never be small because they never were small to begin with.  My mother used to joke saying I went from just taking my first few steps to running, always trying to catch up to my older brothers who were 4, 5 and 6 1/2 years older than me.  They used to offer to give me a ride on the back of their bicycle and just as I would get up to the bike they would take off and of course I would chase after them crying for them to stop.  They would stop and again take off just as I caught up to them.

So where does that leave me, well it left me with a desire to run and when I wasn’t running I was walking fast and that was something that I carried through even up until adulthood until those years.  I call them my dark years because that is when it happened.  I went from only being slightly overweight to grossly overweight.

I had gained some weight after I got married and near the end I really began to pack it on so that I was 30 pounds overweight.  Now that may not seem like a lot to some people but it was hard on me.  I had gotten out of my love for running but near the end of my divorce I found that love for running again.  Well that was more like jogging and walking together…Jowalking!  I would jog until I was out of breath and then walk until I caught my breath and then would jog again and repeat.  Now I have learned that I was doing HIIT before it was even popular.  Now the reason I had to stop and walk and catch my breath was that at the time I was smoking 50 cigarettes a day,  No I am not exaggerating about the number of cigarettes that I smoked when I started jogging again.  I was under an extremely stressful situation concerning my marriage and that was my stress relief valve until one day one of my friends told me that he would be working in a nearby park and I should join him when he took a break.  I was running late and tried to jog to the location but I was completely winded.  I couldn’t even jog 20 yards without gasping for breath.  Well I didn’t meet up with my friend because his job took him to a different location but that was all that I needed to make me realize that I was in bad shape.

The next day I was working so I couldn’t meet up with my friend, but I decided to try something, I tried to run across the parking lot by my office building and couldn’t go more than a few spaces before I was desperately gasping for breath so what did I do….I walked down a few feet and lit up a cigarette.  Hey no one said that I was smart, maybe a smart ass but not smart.  Several days later I tried it again and was once again gasping for breath only this time when I started walking I didn’t light up a cigarette, oh I made up for it later but I didn’t light up at that moment.

Long story short, is that I kept on working at it and decided to start taking the stairs up one of the buildings that I worked at and struggled to make it from the ground floor to the second floor.  Eventually I started going from the basement, taking the stairs up to the 8th floor and yes I was extremely out of breath so on July 27th 1984 at 11:30pm.  It was a Friday night and I remember that on a whim I just decided that as Star Trek ended so would my cigarette smoking.  So the credits rolled by and I took my last puff on my cigarette and as the credits ended I put out my cigarette.  I had just finished my 50th cigarette of the day, which in case you didn’t know was 2 1/2 packs.  Yes I was a smoking chimney but at that time I had enough will power to stop.  I hated that I had gained weight and that I had taken to smoking so much and my feeble attempts to jog just proved to me that I was en route to a heart attack and lung cancer if I kept on doing things that way.

I then started jogging starting out jogging very, very short distances and eventually I was able to jog a mile.  I’ll admit that doing one mile was more than enough for me, even when I was in my best shape.  I’m not a long distance runner although I used to think I was when I was a kid, but that was when I was young.  So in less than 3 months I dropped over 30 pounds and had stopped smoking and was feeling good about what I was doing when I wasn’t at home.  I fixed the home situation by getting a divorce and then struggled for the next few years just to have enough money to pay my bills and put food on my table.  I walked away from a house, a car paid for, my dog and my cat to paying for a small truck which was wrecked and furniture that reeked of cigarette smoke but at least my life was violent free.

I kept up jogging and doing HIIT to the point that I had worked up to 3 miles 6 days a week, then I got up to 3 miles 4 times a week and 5 miles 2 times a week.  Eventually it came to where I was jogging 5 miles 6 days a week no matter what the weather.  If it was raining I ran in the street by the jogging trail and when it wasn’t raining I ran on the jogging trail.  I was in great shape and with that came an air of confidence that I hadn’t had in a long time.  Okay it also made me feel better that I got the attention of a few guys and started dating again but then again that was sort of the start of my downfall.  Not because I went out and ate/drank/danced about 6 days out of the week, no my downfall was when I met one particular man.  He managed to isolate me just as my husband had done and he started getting me to do things his way such as not walking fast and always going out to eat.  I would get home and the next thing I knew he was at my door and wanted to go to the movies and then go out to eat and then he wanted to exercise with me.

Ah there is my problem.  See I like to exercise alone and not be bothered with trying to keep pace with someone and I’m not the type to stand someone telling me to come on and push it a little bit further.  I know my endurance level and I do much better being by myself.   This guy convinced me to move to another city taking me away from the other men in my life but there is no one to blame but me.  I let this happen and in the long run, one year after I let him convince me to move away from a place where I was happy to try and get a job at an airline company (I never did get that job, found something better or at least that is what I thought) and so I could be close to him.  It took me too long to wake up from where my head had gone and 3 years later I was went from 125 pounds to 190 pounds and I hardly saw the guy any more but I had allowed the damage to be done to my body.

For a time I did lose a little bit of weight, up to 25 pounds but it came back on in a few months.  So that begin my time of yo-yo weight gain/loss and put me in a foul mood.  I changed situations and got rid of boyfriend but couldn’t get rid of the weight.  Back in 2001, my weight had skyrocketed to 226 pounds.  But I went on a trip to Spain/Portugal/UK and with all of the walking that I did, I dropped 21 pounds in 17 days and it took over two years before I gained back all that I had lost.  Since then it has been a long and hard road to try and even get to where I am but there is no one to blame but me.  I just can’t seem to find the drive and determination that I used to have.

In hopes of finding that drive once again I’m trying to keep a journal or in this case a diary of what I do because come this July I do not want to ring in my double nickel birthday at my current weight.  I would love to be below 150 pounds but that probably isn’t going to happen but it won’t hurt to keep on trying.  I know I said I would lose weight for my 50th birthday but that came and went and I was kind of depressed because I was approaching two years being out of work.  So I’m working now and looking to do something else because my current job…..well it doesn’t suck but it is a dead-end and I’m really tired of doing this sort of stuff for a living and although I like my job, it is time for something new.

So maybe as I keep this diary I will see a pattern and be able to lose weight and maybe do something else to change my life such as changing jobs.  Something to look forward to doing.  Guess I had better get started then but I won’t look for the yellow brick road to lead me to OZ…I’ll just have to make my own way on my own path.